I am unsure if anyone has these things going on in them. Suffrage of the body and mind have been heavy on me as of late. I wish I could show the world how it is but I can and that is also another reason I find it so hard to just exist. It is weird as I feel cold exuding from my core. It feels as if a ice build up has formed in my body and its slowly melting. It feels like I slowly melting it but I can feel the ice/water mix into a slush is slowly being moved to my limbs. Slowly chilling my body while trying to melt the ice.

Though this feeling slowly dissipates and I begin to warm, my mind slowly becomes aware of the things inside. A odd feeling of not being there but are there is my legs and fingers. They start to mess up and I can’t seem to make them work as they should. Right now, fingers are working but feel stiff and not as mobile as they should be. My feet feel numb but still working, moving my toes is a weird kind of pain. Like stressing a elastic that has not been stretched in a while. You can feel the strands inside pop and snap to allow the still remaining stretchy tissue to be free again. Calves and the front of my thighs are in a wired empty feeling that does not take away walking but makes it odd as I am working with a shell of a get and the inside is a hollow that is filled with a vacuum of not matter but essence.

Wearing 3 layers of tops, 2 sweaters and thick ass wool socks and very (at one time) polyester fuzzy pants. The cold is almost sealed inside and warming is taking a long time and hot liquids are being consumed to help as well. The temp of the room is 27^c and in all means I should not be cold yet I am still shivering time to time. Perhaps I should go and make fresh hot fluids to drink and see if I can become a bit more aware of my existence. So I can dee if this body is hungry and or craving something unknown to me right now. I am trying, truly trying and it is taking a lot from me right now. The neck is also giving me some issues.

So the neck is something somewhat new, just feeling empty in the left side where the tumor started, like I am losing the ability to tell if material exist inside the neck and I am losing the feeling of sensation and it is replaced with pain. hair growing makes it feel as if the hair is ripping out the tissue under the skin, growing from the things the roots of the hair are eating to grow. The eye brow has been more and more stabby as of late and sight is fading more and more. I don’t tell anyone these things as I have a huge fear and unknown reasons I have a hard time talking and being around people. They scare me with a unknown fear. I am terrified when I am around people, I wish I knew why but I am.

The fear of people is the hardest thing to explain, and doctors say I should not be like this. Say., thanks doc I did not know this they tried to convince me that people thoughts are not to be feared and most likely not ever about me. I get that, I really do. However I fear something else then that, I fear their existence, I fear that they are thinking that they are going to hurt me in ways I don’t get. When it comes to reasoning and fulfillment of the humans essence, I fear that they will rip it out of me. To take what “essence” I have left in me is being consumed by the very existence of people around me. They all have shadows that laugh at me and rip into my soul taking all things that matter to me and eating them as favored memories in flavor. It takes not long to start feeling like my essence is dying and being consumed by the people, by their existence. Then I want to run, fight, to just exist.

So I am just here I think, I am unsure.